چهارشنبه 15 اسفند1386

 

 

SNIFFER

 

 

 

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
 
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
 
The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says "Watch this.  He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds.

 

Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I 'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
 
"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.
 
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

 

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police."
 
"I like it!" says his seat mate.
 
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while,sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. 

 

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent,
 
"What's going on?"
 
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

 

 

 

Never kiss police woman. She will say
Stop and hands up. Never kiss nurse.

She will say next. Always kiss ur teacher.
She will say repeat it 5 times.

 

 

 

Man : my wife is too good.
She can talk on any subject for hours.

Friend : Ahh!!! My wife is better,
She does not even need a subject to talk about.

 

 

 

نوشته شده توسط کمال در 10:10 | | لینک به این مطلب

پنجشنبه 25 بهمن1386

 

نوشته شده توسط کمال در 12:20 | | لینک به این مطلب

شنبه 13 بهمن1386

 

7 reasons not to mess with a child

 

 

 

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
******
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
******

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or loo king up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
******

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."
******

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.. " "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
******

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chipcookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

 

 

نوشته شده توسط کمال در 9:13 | | لینک به این مطلب

پنجشنبه 11 بهمن1386

 

 

 

ONE HAPPY JUDGE

 

 

 

A schoolteacher was given a ticket for driving through a red light.

When she appeared in traffic court, she asked the judge for immediate attention to her case as she was due to be back in class.

The judge looked at her sternly and said: "So you're a schoolteacher.

I am about to realize a lifelong ambition. You sit down at that table over there and write 'I went through a stop sign.' FIVE HUNDRED TIMES'.

 

 

 

نوشته شده توسط کمال در 9:14 | | لینک به این مطلب

پنجشنبه 11 بهمن1386

 

                                 

                                                                                                                 

 

Difference

 

 

TWO WOMEN TALKING:

 

============ ========= ========= ====
 

 

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
 

 

Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
 

 

Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
 

 

Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
 

 

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.
 

 

Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

 

...

 

...

 

...

 

....

 

....

 

...

 

...

 

...

 

...

 

NOW TWO MEN TALKING

 

============ ========= ========= ========

 

 
Man 1: Haircut?

 

Man 2: Yeah.

 

**********

 

 

 

 

نوشته شده توسط کمال در 9:11 | | لینک به این مطلب

شنبه 6 بهمن1386

 

.

LOVE & MARRIAGE

Love is holding hands in the street
Marriage is holding arguments in the street
عشق گرفتن دست همدیگه تو خیابونه..ازدواج بحث و جدل تو خیابونه
Love is dinner for 2 in your favourite restaurant
Marriage is a take home packet
عشق یه شام دونفره تو رستوران مورد علاقه هست...ازدواج غذا رو بگیر از رستوران و ببر خونه 
Love is cuddling on a sofa,
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa
عشق  نشستن  رو کاناپه در کنار هم هست!!! ازدواج خوایبدن یه نفرشون رو کاناپه 
Love is talking about having children,
Marriage is talking abt getting away from children
عشق صحبت راجع به داشتن چند تا  بچه هست ..ازدواج صحبت راجع به خلاص شدن از دست بچه ها  

Love is losing your appetite
Marriage is losing your figure
عشق از دست دادن اشتها به غذا هست ...ازدواج از دست دادن ریخت و قیافه 

TV has no place in love
Marriage is a fight for Remote Control
در عشق نگاه کردن به تلویزیون هیچ جایی نداره..در ازدواج  دعوا سر ریموت کنترل تلویزیون
Love is ONE drink and TWO straws,
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!"

عشق یه نوشابه هست با دو تا نی ..ازدواج :.. بسه دیگه چقدر میخوری ..

"Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!!!"

عشق کوره ولی ازدواج چشم آدمو باز میکنه ...

 

 

نوشته شده توسط کمال در 12:36 | | لینک به این مطلب

یکشنبه 30 دی1386

 

 

Scoring points

 

 

In the world, one single rule applies to the men:

 

Make the Woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

 

Here is a guide to the point system:

 

SIMPLE DUTIES
- You make the bed (+1)
- You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
- You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
- You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
- In the rain hand in hand (+80)
- You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
- You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
- You pummel it with iron rod (+10)  

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
- You stay by her side the entire party (0)
- You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
- Named Tina (-4)
- Tina is a dancer (-1000)

 

نوشته شده توسط کمال در 16:52 | | لینک به این مطلب

یکشنبه 30 دی1386

 

 

 

 

A gujarati boy

 

 One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most respected man, whom people consider God, who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."

 

The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."

 

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.

Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

 

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jayant, come up here and I'll give you the $20."

As the teacher was giving Jayant his money, she said, "You know Jayant, since you are Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

 

Jayant replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business!"

*******

 

نوشته شده توسط کمال در 16:44 | | لینک به این مطلب

یکشنبه 30 دی1386

 

 

Jealous Husband

 

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife.

 

The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video.

 

They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!

 

He saw the two of them laughing in the park.

He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.

He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.

He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

*******

 

 

نوشته شده توسط کمال در 16:43 | | لینک به این مطلب

سه شنبه 25 دی1386

A cow from Alberta

 

 

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. 

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Alberta?"
The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?
"The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Alberta."

 

نوشته شده توسط کمال در 12:54 | | لینک به این مطلب